Its late and i should be in bed. Knox has been up the last few nights with a cold and Ava peed the bed the last two nights so we were rocking a baby and changing sheets and its been a tiring few days, but i can't sleep. I'm having one of those nights were my mind won't turn off. I'm thinking about things i haven't thought about for years. I'm wondering and thinking of what ifs and none of it is relevant so i don't know why i am even thinking it, but i am.
A few years ago me and a friend parted ways. There were so many reasons and yet it feels like there were none at all. We had been growing apart for years but even though its been over 5 years since we even had a discussion, all i can think is why? Why do some people come in your life, and seem to have this huge impact and then they leave. And is it easy for them? Do they ever think of you too? Do they miss you and want to call and write but don't. Or am i just a loser who needs to get over it and move on....maybe don't answer that.
Life is a really funny thing. I'm a marketing major who dreamed of living in a big city. Who wore heels everyday and didn't think twice about it. I thought concrete was beautiful in its simplicity and bug free existence. I liked kids but from a safe distance where they couldn't put their grubby little hands on my outfit or where i wouldn't have to fain interest in whatever it was they were jabbering on about. And now here i am. I quit my job last week and am now unemployed for the first time since i was 14. I'm a wife and a mother and i live in the country and i haven't even worked in a marketing firm. Don't get me wrong I love my kids and my husband to pieces, they make me happy every single day but sometimes i stop and think this was not in my plan. And plans change and that is ok and i couldn't imagine my life any other way then what it is right now but if you asked me 7 years ago if this is what my life would be i would have laughed and asked if you were drunk. So coming full circle to my previous thought about this friend of mine, she kept telling me i was the one who changed and i kept thinking she was crazy i have not changed at all, and then i think about what my dreams and goals were and what they are today and i think she was right, they have changed. But i still have lots of the same friends as before so why couldn't this one last? Why was this one, this person who knew me better then anyone, why was she the one that couldn't accept my change?
I know this post is a whole bunch of babble and i wish i could attribute it to an empty wine bottle, but i have yet to have a drink tonight so it is all just me, and my crazy mind, and my heart feeling a little sad tonight because i really miss that friend sometimes and i really wish i could tell her about my kids and my life and she is getting married in September and i really want to talk about it with her because its something she has been waiting for, forever. She is finally marrying her high school sweetheart and i am feeling all kinds of sad that i won't be there to see it and i really wish i was one of those people that moves on fast and lets go but all i can' think about is how we used to talk about this day for hours and we had everything planned out and i was going to be the maid of honor and now I'm not even going to be there and my heart really hurts about it. And since i can't tell her any of this i am going to write it down because it makes me feel a little better and maybe one day she will find this blog and read it and she will know that i still think of her and care about her and i am really sad that we couldn't stay in each others lives but mostly i want her to know that i am really happy she got her fairytale ending.
So now i am going to go have that glass of wine and check on my sleeping babies and then I am going to cuddle up to my sweet husband and I am going to remind myself of all i have and all that i have to be thankful for and i'll send off the best of wishes to the friend i lost and i'll give thanks to the ones that have stuck by my side.