On Being Pregnant

I never had that pregnancy glow. I kind of feel like it’s a myth.  Instead of glowing my skin seemed to get pale and breakout. Instead of talking to my baby and watching my belly grow, I watched the toilet bowl flush for the fifth time as I crawled my way out of the bathroom. To say being pregnant was a joyful time for me is a bit of a stretch. Don’t get me wrong I loved watching my belly grow and expand larger then I thought possible. I loved feeling them move and kick in me, and I loved that I got to carry them around all the time, making sure they were always safe and sound.

Unfortunately I never had the easiest pregnancies (but I do want to say that I am grateful that I was able to get pregnant and had two healthy babies) I lived in a constant state of nausea for the first 16 weeks and after that passed I had the pleasure of experiencing agonizing leg cramps that woke me up at all hours of the night. Neither of my babies wanted to come out on their own, I went as long as possible with both until it became dangerous for them to stay in any longer.

 I know some people have a lot worse pregnancies but it seemed that people that had that easy pregnancy glow surrounded me. While I struggled to keep my eyes open during the day, I had friends who organized their house, painted the nursery, and cut their lawns, all in a days work. I have no idea how some of them had so much energy while I struggled to get my self dressed and out the door. This struggle became even harder the second time around. Not only did I have to get myself ready but I also had to get Ava ready in the mornings. The poor girl saw momma puke more then she should have, but she was always so sweet about it.

I wanted to write about my pregnancies to get my experience out in the world and hope that maybe someone who was right in the middle of it, or thinking about it could get a fellow moms perspective. Neither of my pregnancies were filled with sunshine and lollipops but what I got at the end of those long 42 weeks made it all worth while and I would do it all over again. That’s the awesome thing about having kids, they change your perspective on life and love.

TV Life

I have a tendency to get addicted to TV shows. When I was young I filled my nights with Party of Five, 90210 (the original) and Melrose Place. I then made my way to Dawson's Creek, Felicity and One Tree Hill. I used these shows as I guiding light for my life. I thought that my life should be similar to the shows I watched. I loved the notion of best friends forever, finding your soul mate at 17, all of those pop teen clichés. I compared my life to theirs and got frustrated when my life didn't compare to what I saw on my TV screen.


As I got older and had more experience with different people and different relationships I started learning that not only is "TV life" very unbelievable but its not always the best. Like I said in my Happily Ever After Post I am so glad I didn't meet Matt when I was 17, and frankly just thinking about what my life would be like if I had married my high school sweet heart, makes me shudder. While I did have good friends in high school, I made my best friends after.  The older I get the more comfortable I become with myself and who I am.

So I guess what I am trying to get at is, while I still have an addiction to great TV shows (I am currently watching Grey's Anatomy, Pretty Little Liars, and way more shows then I care to admit) I no longer covet what they have. I am happy with my life,  the people that I am surrounded by and the soul mate I found later in life. I will always enjoy a good show I just no longer want to be in it!

Those Warm Summer Days

Its cold and miserable outside, and the snow is so deep I cant even walk around in my front yard. The roads are icy and its dark by 5 and me and the kids are getting restless staying indoors. Oh how i wish we lived in a place that had more then 4 months of warm weather, not even hot just warm. But no, for some reason i live in a place that is winter for 6 months and fall for 2, if we're lucky.


So right now i am dreaming of warm weather and beaches and long days. I'm thinking back to the summer when we took a week trip to the beach and rented a condo on the lake. I'm remembering the feel of the hot sun on my face and cool water on my body. The way Ava would spend hours playing in the sand and the way she would would bravely swim out to the deep water with help from daddy. The way Knox would lie in the shade sleeping on and off, waking to eat, smile and giggle. The early morning walks we took as a family, when everyone else was still peacefully asleep and the late night feedings with Knox slowly falling asleep in my arms.

If this year goes like the last 27 years of my life, we still have around 3 months of miserably cold weather on our hands. To get through it i plan on drinking a lot of hot chocolate, cozying up by the fire and thinking of all those blissfully warm summer days.

Choices..

I have always had a job. Work was a little therapeutic for me. A means to an end at times and an escape from life’s everyday troubles at others. When i was 14 i marched myself into the local restaurant and asked for a job. I ended up waitressing all through high school and University and only stopped when i graduated and decided i should probably use the degree i just worked so hard to earn. I ended up as a small business banker ( everyones dream job i know :) and there i have stayed, taking a leave after i had Ava and again with Knox. But now all of a sudden it is getting close to the time i should be going back to work and i don't know if i want to.


With Ava it was a no brainer, of course i would go back to work. I knew i wanted another child and i wanted them as close together as i could handle it, so the plan was to work long enough to get leave again. And thats exactly what i did. This time the decision is not so simple.


I always thought i would for sure stay home after i had 2 kids. The cost of day care plus the cost of not spending all that time with them, seemed like too much. But as the date gets nearer and our expenses have grown, i'm finding it a lot harder to make that final decision. We still haven't decided if we are going to have another child or not so i can't even go back with the notion that i might be able to take leave again.


There are so many factors to consider and the consequence of each choice is weighing on me. What if i don't go back and when i am ready to join the workforce again, there is nothing available that is as good as the job i have now. Will we be able to live off of just Matts income? Will i be able to stay home with the kids everyday and not crave the challenges and company of my coworkers? On the other hand if i do go back i will miss all those irreplaceable moments with my kids. Putting Knox down for a nap and watching his eyelids slowly get heavy with sleep. Making crafts with Ava and long walks with both of them. The sweet moments where they tell me they love me or give me a hug. I know i will only have those for so long and i really don't want to miss that.


It seems like either choice has both pros and cons. And i know there isn't a right or wrong choice, there is just a choice. So i guess i will continue to ponder what to do and hope that in the mean time a sign will come my way pointing me which choice to choose. 

My Happily Ever After

I met my husband while we were still in high school, ok not so much as met but knew of him. He was in the grade above me. He went to the public school, me the Catholic School. He was really into hockey, i was really into my friends. We grew up in a really small town, the kind where everyone knows everyone. We went to the same parties, had some of the same friends but we never bothered to talk to each other and i'm so glad we didn't.


3 years later we found each other again. We didn't live in the same city but we still had some of the same friends and they brought us together. Our first “official” meeting wasn't very memorable. It was a crowded party and it was hard to carry on a conversation, but i still remember thinking he was cute. A few months later when i happened to be back in the city where he lived, i got really brave and arranged for us to go on an actual date. I picked the movie and set the time and changed my outfit about 10 times. The first half of the date was awful, like really bad. The movie was horribly corny, i tripped walking into the theatre and then lost my shoe on the steps. To make me seem even more clumsy and awkward, i managed to launch my phone several rows ahead of us in the middle of the movie. I kind of expected him to bolt as soon as the movie ended, but he didn’t and i found out that night that he was a pretty awesome guy.


And so we started to date. There were lots of highs and a few lows and the 3 hour drive every other weekend could be tiring at times, but we made it work. A year and a half later we finally finished school and moved in together. In 2009 we got married under the hot Jamaican sun with our closest family and friends.


Thats our “happily ever after” in a nutshell, a brief description of the last 8 years of my life. Our love has made me believe in so many things but my belief in fate, that everything happens for a reason, is one thing that sticks with me the most. I believe that we didn't meet when we were younger because we weren't ready for each other yet. We had to figure out who we were as individuals first. Had we met when we were teenagers i don't know if we would be together today. We each had to grow and experience a little bit of life first. I like the idea that maybe we could have grown together but i like that i grew by myself better. I am who i am not because of the influence he had on me, rather i am me because of all my choices, good and bad, right or wrong. We got lucky and met at the right time. Fate played a huge role in how we came together and I thank God that i was too shy to ever talk to him in high school because if i had, we may never have gotten our happily ever after. 

                                                                      

This Year...

As i pack away the last of my Christmas decorations, i can't help but reflect on the last year. We welcomed a happy handsome baby boy to our lives who has brought us so much joy, my husband had his dreams come true by winning a hunting show of his own and we got to watch our little baby girl grow into a happy, playful toddler. I really do feel blessed and when i feel myself get frustrated or overwhelmed i try and remind myself that i am really lucky.

This last year has also taught me a lot about myself. I have learned to ask for help a bit more, I have learned that i can't always do it all and that people (especially my family) really don't mind helping. I've learned that i need a few moments to myself each day, to gather my thoughts and just breathe. I've been reminded that a nice bath at the end of a long week is really a magic cure for most things and that watching my husband be the most amazing father is some of the best parts of my day.

This last year has also had its tough moments, having two kids under the age of two was really hard for the first few months (and lets be honest there will still always be those really tough moments) it was hard to juggle both of their needs and i always felt like i was lacking on the mommy front to one of them at any given time. There didn't seem like there was enough hours in a day (really there still doesn't, so i guess thats stayed the same) and i felt pulled in multiple directions. The biggest thing has been learning to divide my attention while still making sure that both my of children feel loved and cherished each and every minute. I still don't think i have mastered that yet and maybe i never will but i figure if i continue to try i have to get it right one day.

So goodbye 2013, thank you for the memories. 2014, lets do this.

A little bit about Me.


It was horribly awkward trying to write about myself. To sit down and try and think of what words describe what kind of person i am, was really hard. How do you describe yourself without sounding vain or lame? So this is what i have come up with: I am in my late 20's. I am married to a wonderful man named Matt. I have two beautifully healthy kids Ava (2) and Knox (7 months). I have a business degree with a major in Marketing, i was raised Catholic but no longer actively practice my faith. I have 3 sisters, 1 brother and two loving parents. I love to dance although i really suck at it and i am slightly addicted to chocolate.


So there you have it, the definition of me, all very fascinating i know. I don’t have any special abilities or talents. Im in my own head a lot, which kind of explains my need to write things down although I don't fancy myself a writer. I have horrible grammar and my spelling is far from good but if you bare with me you might find that once in awhile i have a good story to tell and an almost insightful tidbit to share.